The New Jersey Online Player of the Year Race is Heating Up!
I know that the “New Jersey Online Player of the Year Race” has to be a thing, because New Jersey’s pretty much the only place anyone in America plays online poker, but the honest headline should actually read: “Yes, There’s Such a Thing as a ‘New Jersey Online Player of the Year Race.’” Until the legalization of online poker, the New Jersey Online Player of the Year race formerly held by HairGelCamaroCannoli7 on OK Cupid for “Smashing the most flops. If ya know what I mean.” –HairGelCamaroCannoli7
No offense to Anthony Sanducci, Nicky D’Angelo, and Paulie Zambrano, who are the top three contenders in this year’s poker race, probably. They’re neck and neck – literally. Too many steroids; too many shoulder shrugs; too little leg day. The winner gets a track suit, a gold chain, and free spray tans and meatball parms’s for a year from “Ray’s Spray Tans and Meatball Parms.”
I look forward to the day when New Jersey no longer has any of these awful stereotypes, but, oddly, everyone there seems to be so damned proud of them. Now, GTOAH. Gettouttaheeeeeeah)
Michael “The Grinder” Mizrachi Launches “Blast Longer,” Poses with Assault Rifle
Doesn’t “Blast Longer,” sound exactly like the kind of thing that you’d see on the sidebar of your favorite porn tube site? “GROW YOUR PENIS SIZE 11 INCHES!” “HORNY GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA!” “BLAST LONGER!” So, at first, I thought it wass for herbal supplements. Maybe something that makes sure, “Your Chips Stay Stacked,” for when you’re prone to “acting out of turn.”
Then I took a look at the promo photo, and Grinder is standing in front of a “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign that has clearly been spray painted onto the side or a strip mall, two guns on his shirt, and holding a machine guns so large that I can only imagine it was designed to kill the alien bugs from Starship Troopers. So it’s a gun range?
Nope. Turns out it’s an app that lets you make last longer bets. Huh.
Now if only someone would create an app that lets you make last longers about apps that let you make last longers.
PokerStars Signs Japanese Model Yuilo Matsukawa as new Brand Ambassador
I don’t know if I’ve ever said this publically or not, but Asian women aren’t really my thing. I don’t think there’s anything racist or narrowminded about that. To me, they’re kind of like gangster movies. I would never seek them out, though I don’t mind them, and some of them are really good, but I also think it’s kinda of weird when friends of mine are super into them. I’m talking to you, Anthony Sanducci, Nicky D’Angelo, and Paulie Zambrano.
Regardless of how tenuous that analogy was, every once in a while a Donnie Brasco comes along, and I just think, “Wow.” Yuiko Matsukawa is Donnie Brasco.
It does seem odd that I would have touched on this subject nd not made at least one joke that was borderline racist, so….
When reached for comment, Yulio only covered her mouth and giggled.
Anthony Zinno Wins Back to Back WPTs, Third Total
“There isn’t much to be said about Anthony Zinno that hasn’t been said already,” is my way of saying I know absolutely nothing about this guy. I feel bad about that too, because he follows me on Twitter. I also prefer to become friends with these guys just before they become hugely famous. It’s always so transparent when I want to hang with them after.
I am sorry I didn’t get to do commentary on this guy, because I would have really liked to refer to all of his opponents as Zinnophobes. And since he was playing all these events in America, a lot of the time it wouldn’t just be a clever pun!
Taylor Paur Wins Bay 101
Just now found out him and Vanessa Selbst aren’t the same person.
Sam Simon Passes Away
In the above headline, I initially wanted to write something like “Sam Simon Loses Battle with Cancer.” “Sam Simon Succumbs to Cancer.” “Sam Sam Defeated by Cancer.” But none of those things are true. Yes, Sam is no longer with us, but he did not lose. He did not succumb. And he was not defeated. Sam was anything but defeated.
He claimed the years when he fought on while ill to be the happiest of his entire life. I had the opportunity to meet and befriend Sam for a short time before this all happened– and the few experiences I had with him were some of the happiest of my entire life.
My friends used to mock me when I would refer to the billionaire legend as, “my friend Sam Simon,” but honestly, that’s how the guy made me feel. He was the coolest. His departure is going to leave a huge hole in this world. But as big as it is, it pales in comparison to the holes he filled while he was here – with goodness, kindness, humor, and generosity. Sam was not defeated. He succeeded.
If you want to read or hear more about my time with Sam, two of the coolest days of my life, you can download to the most recent episode (#3) of the EPT Not Live Podcast on iTunes.
Latest posts by Joe Stapleton (see all)
- What Joe Stapleton Misses Most About the World Series of Poker - June 27, 2015
- The Color Up: Online POY, Mizrachi’s New Gig, Remembering Sam Simon - March 23, 2015
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